20. Aspiring Theater Major. Pansexual. Ambiguously lactose intolerant. Devout fangirl.
Had a loong phone call with my mom wherein she gave me the unfortunate news that she and her “boy friend” have broken up. This is no ordinary break up, folks.
There is a long, harrowing track record with these two. It would be too tedious to write up the whole awful history so Ill just give you the shorthanded timeline:
Since I was in tenth grade I have been my mom’s emotional outlet, that is when she wanted to divorce Dick the first time. She told me everything. E v e r y t h i n g. All the things Dick did to her, the crazy, psychotic, creepy, possessive things. And she hasn’t let up since. She told me all the grisly details of her affair with my coach. And I’ve spent the last year listening to her tell me about her relationship with Dave and counseled her through her divorce with Dick.
It’s important to note that her entire relationship with Dave took place over the phone or in emails. They did spend a weekend in Charlotte a few months back, but that was it. She told me all about their plans for marriage, for children, and I had never even seen his face!
And today everything came to a head. Dave finally told his wife (dying wife, remember) about the affair, and naturally she lost her shit. Dave felt guilty and decided to stick it out with Peg and leave my mom.
I am pissed off. I am irate. I am so, so sad. All her emotions I just feel so keenly and to hear her say that she feels alone and that no one loves her I just want to scream at her.
Meanwhile all her sadness just makes me feel hopeless.Like I’ve failed in some vital way, even though I know logically that this has nothing to do with me. This is /her/ issue not mine.
But it just brings to mind all my past failures and insecurities. My parents paid for my schooling in L.A. and I came back deciding did not want to do SFX. I feel guilty for going back to school because I feel like I had my chance and I blew it. It feels indulgent to go back to school. My social anxiety fluctuates like crazy and I’m afraid that everyone at work hates me or thinks I’m stupid even though I know it’s not true because I have a great time with them and we have great conversations.
, I just feel very heavy right now. Urghh.